It is amazing to me looking back, what all can change in just a few months. In January of this year I switched positions at my company and have now been with this new team for 6 months this week...crazy. I enjoy the people, but am not sure about the work yet. We are in full swing with a large meeting of about 120 global people coming to the area in just 11 days. I do enjoy coordinating and planning, but I am feeling quite stressed lately.
Last weekend I officially moved in with my best friend Claire Elise. Again this is kind of a strange experience and I am not sure I really feel at home yet(even though I have technically been staying in the condo since mid May), it just doesn't seem real. I wonder how this change will effect the rest of my life. Will it be a change that makes me calmer, more at peace, less stressed about money, not as lonely....or will it be something different? One of my faults or at least challenges is that I am a very busy person so I am just not home much. Again that is a whole different topic so I will save the explanation and details for a later date. I haven't been home much yet in the condo so my life seems very chaotic right now and I am starting to feel exhausted.
I know that part of my exhaustion is that I have been struggling to find time to spend decent time with God lately too, which of course will effect me in every other way. I feel like I pray alot, but I need something more. My internal self has been very unsettled for some months now and I need to take the time to sit down and try to figure out why. (thus my being on here again)
I long for something more. My heart wants another heart to love and cherish and become enmeshed with. Even though I KNOW that I want to have a husband(boyfriend) and children, I know I must wait on God and his perfect timing and plan. It has been my goal the past several months to trust and I feel like I have done a pretty decent job. The ideas has just recently come up again and the longing comes back. How do you have joy in the everyday when you are not exactly where you want to be in life? How do you not let that get in the way of making a difference here and now? How do I know what to focus on in my life at THIS time, when there are so many things (albeit all good) that demand or seduce my attention? What does it look like to focus on God in the midst of ....life?
I don't believe that locking myself up in a closet with just a bible until God speaks to me would be very beneficial, or practical. I can't force God to be on my timing, or even my plan. I know that God wants us to live our lives IN this world with Him: to join Him where He is already working. It just seems to me lately that He is working in so many ways that I am not sure WHERE or how to join in. Should I be giving up things, to focus on one...or doing the best that I can with all the things that God seems to have given me at this point in my life and praying for guidance daily? hourly?
Does my unsettled, stressed out, chaotic life need to change...more?
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
A Heart Cry
Last Sunday I had just returned the day before from attending the Youth Conference in Chicago with Simply Youth Ministry, and I was feeling a bit bummed that I couldn't stay for the duration of the conference(through Monday), yet I was throwing myself back into the reality of my life and singing on the worship team that morning. As I looked out in the congregation I noticed that there were a couple WAVE aged boys in the front row. One of them I had met a few weeks prior, the other was a new face. I thought, good I am glad that we will have a chance to include them in WAVE. I throught through who would be teaching and was glad that Liz was on the schedule - SHE would be a good first teacher for them when they are down there. After worship I saw all the kids going downstairs, but not the teacher....hmmm, what's happening?? Apparently God had other plans:)
Liz had forgotten that it was her turn which left me momentarily panicked. I, as usual, threw myself into survival mode and took over. I arrived in the room with 6 students anxiously awaiting their teacher, and seemed delightfuly surprised to see me. In order to conceil my still trying to come up with something to teach, I was a bit energetic. As one of them put it, "Tammy you are hyper!" HA oh well:) We did a few random questions so I could learn a bit about them and them about me and I just opened my bible and picked out John 6 to read from. At the conference in one of the conversations we talked briefly about the miracles that Jesus did, and how the determination of some friends had basically saved the paralyzed man's life (physically and spiritually). I had TOTALLY blanked on that fact while I was standing there. Instead we read through the frist verse or so and stopped to discuss what was happening and how it looked to Jesus' disciples and how bizzare that must have been for them to grasp what was happening as Jesus took an ordinary day hanging out with his buddies and shooting the breeze(that was interrupted by..oh...about 8,000 people...no big deal...right?!) and made it one of the most amazing faith building days in their lives.
After this dramatic narrative of mine(with voices and everything) it seemed to hit home a bit that this God - the maker of the universe - compassionate soul who allowed his time with his friends to be interrupted - CARED enough for each and every person that came to see him, to bring out the big guns to just meet their every day need of a meal. A simple meal on a hill that miraculously came from just 5 loaves of bread(small enough for a boy's lunch) and 2 small fish. As a group we talked about how much we each would have eaten to be full and just for our little group of 8 we came up with about 28 loaves and 12 fish - the visual was pretty cool!
As the class drew near I thought about those boys, how I HOPED with all my heart that they first of all kind of enjoyed their time in WAVE, but also would be able to internalize that GOD CARES about them just as He did for those people who interrupted His personal time with his friends. I learned shortly after that one of those boys has had a very rough life already in his 13 years. My heart aches for him now. I pray for him as I think of him that God would find a place in his heart and be able to work out all the things of his past for HIS glory. I also pray that God will strengthen ME and give me the wisdom to be able to reach out to these boys and love them with God's love.
The one day I was at the conference seems like a blur now - the track I went to was titled "Helping Hurting Teens".
Liz had forgotten that it was her turn which left me momentarily panicked. I, as usual, threw myself into survival mode and took over. I arrived in the room with 6 students anxiously awaiting their teacher, and seemed delightfuly surprised to see me. In order to conceil my still trying to come up with something to teach, I was a bit energetic. As one of them put it, "Tammy you are hyper!" HA oh well:) We did a few random questions so I could learn a bit about them and them about me and I just opened my bible and picked out John 6 to read from. At the conference in one of the conversations we talked briefly about the miracles that Jesus did, and how the determination of some friends had basically saved the paralyzed man's life (physically and spiritually). I had TOTALLY blanked on that fact while I was standing there. Instead we read through the frist verse or so and stopped to discuss what was happening and how it looked to Jesus' disciples and how bizzare that must have been for them to grasp what was happening as Jesus took an ordinary day hanging out with his buddies and shooting the breeze(that was interrupted by..oh...about 8,000 people...no big deal...right?!) and made it one of the most amazing faith building days in their lives.
After this dramatic narrative of mine(with voices and everything) it seemed to hit home a bit that this God - the maker of the universe - compassionate soul who allowed his time with his friends to be interrupted - CARED enough for each and every person that came to see him, to bring out the big guns to just meet their every day need of a meal. A simple meal on a hill that miraculously came from just 5 loaves of bread(small enough for a boy's lunch) and 2 small fish. As a group we talked about how much we each would have eaten to be full and just for our little group of 8 we came up with about 28 loaves and 12 fish - the visual was pretty cool!
As the class drew near I thought about those boys, how I HOPED with all my heart that they first of all kind of enjoyed their time in WAVE, but also would be able to internalize that GOD CARES about them just as He did for those people who interrupted His personal time with his friends. I learned shortly after that one of those boys has had a very rough life already in his 13 years. My heart aches for him now. I pray for him as I think of him that God would find a place in his heart and be able to work out all the things of his past for HIS glory. I also pray that God will strengthen ME and give me the wisdom to be able to reach out to these boys and love them with God's love.
The one day I was at the conference seems like a blur now - the track I went to was titled "Helping Hurting Teens".
Saturday, February 26, 2011
First official blog.
Here's to trying new things:)
As my life is swirling in a hundred different directions on a consistent basis, I find myself just thinking about life, the nuances of it, and how God fits into it in my life and in general.
Things I KNOW:
1) I believe in one true Almighty God -Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
2) I struggle internally with many things.
3) I am a night owl, but seem to always have to get up early - which drives me nuts.
4) I love movies and how they typically make me think about random theological/social/relational issues
5) I work full time in a job that is just that...my job.(although I really like all the people I work with)
6) I want with all my heart to be a good godly wife and mother some day.
7) I am BLESSED to have amazing relationships with several good, healthy, godly mentors
8) I have lived on my own for about 6 years and am still struggling with budgets and keeping up with everything.
9) I can't explain how much I love and adore the Youth that I work with at my church.
10) I would not be here today if it weren't for God's grace and my wonderful Pastors(mentors, and second parents) Jeff and Jeri Stupar and their love, support, and encouragement - I love them with all my heart!
I really have no idea what direction this will end up taking or if it will even amount to much of anything, but I guess I thought it would at least give me a place to "talk things through" with myself...ha!
Seriously, at this point I am not intending to promote this at ALL to anyone.
So on this first night I am sitting at home on my comfy couch eating chex mix and thinking of how a) I am tired and want to go to sleep, b) I still have to finish assembling the bake sale items for tomorrow morning, and c) how I want - slash that - NEED God to give me His eyes and heart for the broken and isolated people of this world - especially those with whom I have contact every Sunday in the comfort of my church family.
I do not say "family" lightly - I have struggled(and still do sometimes) with the institution of family and what that really means, but that is a topic for another day. I really do feel very blessed for all of the wonderful leaders at RiverPark Community Church, and my friends and co-laborers for Christ. I know 95% of them by name, but I want that number to be higher. I also want to not JUST know their names, I want to be in the crux of everyday life - the good the bad and the crazy - with them. I want to be more. I don't want to settle for what I would consider the minimum of just knowing their names.
Now I just need to figure out what to do about all of that - or should I say, "What GOD wants me to do about that". :)
As my life is swirling in a hundred different directions on a consistent basis, I find myself just thinking about life, the nuances of it, and how God fits into it in my life and in general.
Things I KNOW:
1) I believe in one true Almighty God -Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
2) I struggle internally with many things.
3) I am a night owl, but seem to always have to get up early - which drives me nuts.
4) I love movies and how they typically make me think about random theological/social/relational issues
5) I work full time in a job that is just that...my job.(although I really like all the people I work with)
6) I want with all my heart to be a good godly wife and mother some day.
7) I am BLESSED to have amazing relationships with several good, healthy, godly mentors
8) I have lived on my own for about 6 years and am still struggling with budgets and keeping up with everything.
9) I can't explain how much I love and adore the Youth that I work with at my church.
10) I would not be here today if it weren't for God's grace and my wonderful Pastors(mentors, and second parents) Jeff and Jeri Stupar and their love, support, and encouragement - I love them with all my heart!
I really have no idea what direction this will end up taking or if it will even amount to much of anything, but I guess I thought it would at least give me a place to "talk things through" with myself...ha!
Seriously, at this point I am not intending to promote this at ALL to anyone.
So on this first night I am sitting at home on my comfy couch eating chex mix and thinking of how a) I am tired and want to go to sleep, b) I still have to finish assembling the bake sale items for tomorrow morning, and c) how I want - slash that - NEED God to give me His eyes and heart for the broken and isolated people of this world - especially those with whom I have contact every Sunday in the comfort of my church family.
I do not say "family" lightly - I have struggled(and still do sometimes) with the institution of family and what that really means, but that is a topic for another day. I really do feel very blessed for all of the wonderful leaders at RiverPark Community Church, and my friends and co-laborers for Christ. I know 95% of them by name, but I want that number to be higher. I also want to not JUST know their names, I want to be in the crux of everyday life - the good the bad and the crazy - with them. I want to be more. I don't want to settle for what I would consider the minimum of just knowing their names.
Now I just need to figure out what to do about all of that - or should I say, "What GOD wants me to do about that". :)
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