It is amazing to me looking back, what all can change in just a few months. In January of this year I switched positions at my company and have now been with this new team for 6 months this week...crazy. I enjoy the people, but am not sure about the work yet. We are in full swing with a large meeting of about 120 global people coming to the area in just 11 days. I do enjoy coordinating and planning, but I am feeling quite stressed lately.
Last weekend I officially moved in with my best friend Claire Elise. Again this is kind of a strange experience and I am not sure I really feel at home yet(even though I have technically been staying in the condo since mid May), it just doesn't seem real. I wonder how this change will effect the rest of my life. Will it be a change that makes me calmer, more at peace, less stressed about money, not as lonely....or will it be something different? One of my faults or at least challenges is that I am a very busy person so I am just not home much. Again that is a whole different topic so I will save the explanation and details for a later date. I haven't been home much yet in the condo so my life seems very chaotic right now and I am starting to feel exhausted.
I know that part of my exhaustion is that I have been struggling to find time to spend decent time with God lately too, which of course will effect me in every other way. I feel like I pray alot, but I need something more. My internal self has been very unsettled for some months now and I need to take the time to sit down and try to figure out why. (thus my being on here again)
I long for something more. My heart wants another heart to love and cherish and become enmeshed with. Even though I KNOW that I want to have a husband(boyfriend) and children, I know I must wait on God and his perfect timing and plan. It has been my goal the past several months to trust and I feel like I have done a pretty decent job. The ideas has just recently come up again and the longing comes back. How do you have joy in the everyday when you are not exactly where you want to be in life? How do you not let that get in the way of making a difference here and now? How do I know what to focus on in my life at THIS time, when there are so many things (albeit all good) that demand or seduce my attention? What does it look like to focus on God in the midst of ....life?
I don't believe that locking myself up in a closet with just a bible until God speaks to me would be very beneficial, or practical. I can't force God to be on my timing, or even my plan. I know that God wants us to live our lives IN this world with Him: to join Him where He is already working. It just seems to me lately that He is working in so many ways that I am not sure WHERE or how to join in. Should I be giving up things, to focus on one...or doing the best that I can with all the things that God seems to have given me at this point in my life and praying for guidance daily? hourly?
Does my unsettled, stressed out, chaotic life need to change...more?
