A New Adventure

For as long as I can remember I have been drawn to Asia.  I am not totally sure why, but I do remember being a little girl and wanting to travel there. I remember actually telling people that I wanted 8 kids, 6 of my own and adopting from China and Mexico.....when I was 10 years old!  I don't know where the idea came from but I have also always been interested in working in an orphanage in China.  That thought seemed to take root into my heart and mind when I was very young and has remained there for 25 years(give or take:).

There have been several times in my young adulthood where I have actively researched missions trips to China, Thailand, etc. and there has always been an "issue" with my acting on the research.  On some level that disappointed me because I know that there is a light in my heart for that region, but on another level I just felt it wasn't the right time.  It's funny how God can give us a desire for something that takes decades to come to fruition....but only He knows why that is.

This adventure begins about 9 years ago, the first January I attended RiverPark Community Church.  "Our" missionary comes to speak at RP once a year and January 2004 was the first time I heard her.  Dr.J spoke of her daily life and mission work in Burma, Thailand, and Laos - which intrigued me.  Most of what she told us was a bit frightening to me but I felt that light in me burn to do something.  In the past few years Dr.J's work has changed dramatically by the work of the Holy Spirit, yet when she comes to speak to us I consistently feel the burn to do something, to make a difference in this world for God.

About 2 months ago a friend of mine sent an e-mail to a bunch of people about a precious little girl in an orphanage in China who was just matched with their family for adoption.  Little Grace is an orphan in one of the Foster Homes in China.  The story of Grace being matched with the Sprengels is God orchestrated and encouraging.  Anyways, from that e-mail I clicked on the link to the website for All God's Children International(the organization the adoption is going through) and was just looking around the website.  I clicked on the Missions page, just for fun, and noticed that there was an Individual trip scheduled for September of 2013.   Immediately I thought, "That is a great time, I could do that".  The cost would be about $3000 which is pretty standard for Asia trips, and I didn't freak out about trying to raise money.  The dates are perfect for both work and Youth Group starting, so I am not worried about that. As I was thinking about it, it SEEMS to be perfect timing.  So I read all the information on the website and said a prayer.  A few days later I mentioned it to 2 people (Jeri being one of them) and then I just waited.  I wanted to make sure this wasn't just a knee jerk reaction and that God really wanted me to do it.

Jeri asked me why shouldn't I do it....I couldn't think of any reason not to, yet I wanted to give God time to either draw me in or make it clear this is not what He wants.  Well about a month later I am still thinking about it and have a desire to go.  I keep thinking about all the times God mentions the widows and orphans in the bible and how He basically tells us that part of our job is to take care of them and minister to them....so why not?

I am still praying about it, but am 90% sure that I am going to apply to join the trip in September!  I want to get my application in by early Feb. if I am going to go to give myself adequate time to prepare and raise funds.

I am really excited about the possibility of it and feel God leading me to do this.  I feel His peace over the finances and timing.  Who knows, God may even have me join not only the AGCI trip in September, but also a trip with Dr. J next June:)  I am looking forward to what this year will bring for me through these trips and by spiritually relying on God's direction.  I may have a stamp in my passport by the end of the year!

I sense the adventure with God is just beginning.

Struggles and Faith

My last blog was about a year ago, so clearly I am not good at this.
I just feel the need to do this today because I am stressed out today. I feel like life throws things at me all at once(or in a row) and I struggle to keep up.
I had foot surgery in January which ended up being ok, but I was sick for 2 weeks then working from home for about 4 more, so I started back in the office in March.  Then on March 3rd I got a call from my sister telling me that a guy we grew up with in Youth Group had died.  I broke up with my boyfriend Charles mid May right before I started house sitting for Jeff and Jeri, then right before they came back I was told that Dave Nelson was found dead in his house.  Somewhere in there Donna said they will be moving to TX for a while, then just 2 weeks ago I get and e-mail from Claire saying that she will be moving to Indiana at the end of summer.
I don't even really know where to start with now I feel because some days I am ok and others I am a mess.  All for different reasons.  I am happy for Claire and what she found, but I feel like I am loosing my best friend at the same time.  I am kind of jealous too because I have been actively looking for a group of friends my age for years and I have nothing to show for that(and now will be less one).  I know my life is here, but I just feel really tired of trying to find friends, trying to belong, trying to do the things God wants me to and I don't really see the benefits of it all right now.

I am really trying to trust God through all of this because, lets face it, I don't have many options at this point, but I really DO want to trust that He will redeem these losses for me.
I am still holding out for the "right" guy and I desperately want that relationship more than anything right now, but again the answer is wait!  Sometimes I really wish that just for a moment I could see the future.  My future, and see the it really does turn out ok. I know that life is full of hard things, losses, and constant change...but I would just like a break for a while.  I need the calm, the peace, the resting in God to see what He has next.  Then again, I am sure that all the things I am going through will help prepare me for that time so I continue to struggle through in faith that God will never leave me no matter what.  And that He really does have my best interest in mind.

Is Change always Good?

It is amazing to me looking back, what all can change in just a few months.  In January of this year I switched positions at my company and have now been with this new team for 6 months this week...crazy.  I enjoy the people, but am not sure about the work yet.  We are in full swing with a large meeting of about 120 global people coming to the area in just 11 days.  I do enjoy coordinating and planning, but I am feeling quite stressed lately.

Last weekend I officially moved in with my best friend Claire Elise.  Again this is kind of a strange experience and I am not sure I really feel at home yet(even though I have technically been staying in the condo since mid May), it just doesn't seem real.  I wonder how this change will effect the rest of my life.  Will it be a change that makes me calmer, more at peace, less stressed about money, not as lonely....or will it be something different?  One of my faults or at least challenges is that I am a very busy person so I am just not home much.  Again that is a whole different topic so I will save the explanation and details for a later date.  I haven't been home much yet in the condo so my life seems very chaotic right now and I am starting to feel exhausted.

I know that part of my exhaustion is that I have been struggling to find time to spend decent time with God lately too, which of course will effect me in every other way.  I feel like I pray alot, but I need something more.  My internal self has been very unsettled for some months now and I need to take the time to sit down and try to figure out why. (thus my being on here again)

I long for something more.  My heart wants another heart to love and cherish and become enmeshed with.  Even though I KNOW that I want to have a husband(boyfriend) and children, I know I must wait on God and his perfect timing and plan.  It has been my goal the past several months to trust and I feel like I have done a pretty decent job.  The ideas has just recently come up again and the longing comes back.  How do you have joy in the everyday when you are not exactly where you want to be in life?  How do you not let that get in the way of making a difference here and now?  How do I know what to focus on in my life at THIS time, when there are so many things (albeit all good) that demand or seduce my attention?  What does it look like to focus on God in the midst of ....life? 

I don't believe that locking myself up in a closet with just a bible until God speaks to me would be very beneficial, or practical.  I can't force God to be on my timing, or even my plan.  I know that God wants us to live our lives IN this world with Him: to join Him where He is already working.  It just seems to me lately that He is working in so many ways that I am not sure WHERE or how to join in.  Should I be giving up things, to focus on one...or doing the best that I can with all the things that God seems to have given me at this point in my life and praying for guidance daily? hourly?

Does my unsettled, stressed out, chaotic life need to change...more?

A Heart Cry

Last Sunday I had just returned the day before from attending the Youth Conference in Chicago with Simply Youth Ministry, and I was feeling a bit bummed that I couldn't stay for the duration of the conference(through Monday), yet I was throwing myself back into the reality of my life and singing on the worship team that morning.  As I looked out in the congregation I noticed that there were a couple WAVE aged boys in the front row.  One of them I had met a few weeks prior, the other was a new face.  I thought, good I am glad that we will have a chance to include them in WAVE.  I throught through who would be teaching and was glad that Liz was on the schedule - SHE would be a good first teacher for them when they are down there.  After worship I saw all the kids going downstairs, but not the teacher....hmmm, what's happening??  Apparently God had other plans:)

Liz had forgotten that it was her turn which left me momentarily panicked.  I, as usual, threw myself into survival mode and took over.  I arrived in the room with 6 students anxiously awaiting their teacher, and seemed delightfuly surprised to see me.  In order to conceil my still trying to come up with something to teach, I was a bit energetic.  As one of them put it, "Tammy you are hyper!"  HA oh well:)  We did a few random questions so I could learn a bit about them and them about me and I just opened my bible and picked out John 6 to read from.  At the conference in one of the conversations we talked briefly about the miracles that Jesus did, and how the determination of some friends had basically saved the paralyzed man's life (physically and spiritually).  I had TOTALLY blanked on that fact while I was standing there.  Instead we read through the frist verse or so and stopped to discuss what was happening and how it looked to Jesus' disciples and how bizzare that must have been for them to grasp what was happening as Jesus took an ordinary day hanging out with his buddies and shooting the breeze(that was interrupted by..oh...about 8,000 people...no big deal...right?!) and made it one of the most amazing faith building days in their lives.
After this dramatic narrative of mine(with voices and everything) it seemed to hit home a bit that this God - the maker of the universe - compassionate soul who allowed his time with his friends to be interrupted - CARED enough for each and every person that came to see him, to bring out the big guns to just meet their every day need of a meal.  A simple meal on a hill that miraculously came from just 5 loaves of bread(small enough for a boy's lunch) and 2 small fish.  As a group we talked about how much we each would have eaten to be full and just for our little group of 8 we came up with about 28 loaves and 12 fish - the visual was pretty cool! 

As the class drew near I thought about those boys, how I HOPED with all my heart that they first of all kind of enjoyed their time in WAVE, but also would be able to internalize that GOD CARES about them just as He did for those people who interrupted His personal time with his friends.  I learned shortly after that one of those boys has had a very rough life already in his 13 years.  My heart aches for him now.  I pray for him as I think of him that God would find a place in his heart and be able to work out all the things of his past for HIS glory.  I also pray that God will strengthen ME and give me the wisdom to be able to reach out to these boys and love them with God's love. 

The one day I was at the conference seems like a blur now  - the track I went to was titled "Helping Hurting Teens".

First official blog.

Here's to trying new things:)
As my life is swirling in a hundred different directions on a consistent basis, I find myself just thinking about life, the nuances of it, and how God fits into it in my life and in general.

Things I KNOW:
1) I believe in one true Almighty God -Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
2) I struggle internally with many things.
3) I am a night owl, but seem to always have to get up early - which drives me nuts.
4) I love movies and how they typically make me think about random theological/social/relational issues
5) I work full time in a job that is just that...my job.(although I really like all the people I work with)
6) I want with all my heart to be a good godly wife and mother some day.   
7) I am BLESSED to have amazing relationships with several good, healthy, godly mentors
8) I have lived on my own for about 6 years and am still struggling with budgets and keeping up with everything.
9) I  can't explain how much I love and adore the Youth that I work with at my church.
10) I would not be here today if it weren't for God's grace and my wonderful Pastors(mentors, and second parents) Jeff and Jeri Stupar and their love, support, and encouragement - I love them with all my heart!

I really have no idea what direction this will end up taking or if it will even amount to much of anything, but I guess I thought it would at least give me a place to "talk things through" with myself...ha!
Seriously, at this point I am not intending to promote this at ALL to anyone.

So on this first night I am sitting at home on my comfy couch eating chex mix and thinking of how a) I am tired and want to go to sleep, b) I still have to finish assembling the bake sale items for tomorrow morning, and c) how I want - slash that - NEED God to give me His eyes and heart for the broken and isolated people of this world - especially those with whom I have contact every Sunday in the comfort of my church family. 
I do not say "family" lightly - I have struggled(and still do sometimes) with the institution of family and what that really means, but that is a topic for another day.  I really do feel very blessed for all of the wonderful leaders at RiverPark Community Church, and my friends and co-laborers for Christ.  I know 95% of them by name, but I want that number to be higher.  I also want to not JUST know their names, I want to be in the crux of everyday life - the good the bad and the crazy - with them.  I want to be more.  I don't want to settle for what I would consider the minimum of just knowing their names.
Now I just need to figure out what to do about all of that - or should I say, "What GOD wants me to do about that".  :)